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Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Walden Pond is crystal clear. Was his thinking clarified by proximity to it's waters? The house was small but vast in it's ability to allow one space to breath and be. I understand what he meant about possessions weighing you down. I shared the crystal clear waters today with some fish, many, many dragonflies and several hundred children. There was nothing meditative about it. But I was revitalization by the waters, the sun, and the high pressure day. Taking care of one's soul is difficult when you are weighed down by obligations to people and things. A man said to me today, "You must take care of yourself first, because no one else will." He was right.

I was a bridesmaid this weekend last at my sister's wedding. For the record, I rather eat pigs brains then be a bridesmaid. I will do it if asked, but maybe if all my friends read this I will never get asked again. Blogs can be so useful. Anyway, in my experience, it is never fun. The dress always sucks and you are dealing with a Bride. All brides have a bit of a bridezilla in them - I did for about 5 minutes...that's a good story for another post. But despite the fact that my dress did not quite fit right and the stylist gave me a big 80's style updoo in the basement of the salon while my two sisters were getting their locks tamed into natural looking down doos upstairs...the wedding was a beautiful thing. I am happy she has found happiness. She's a great person who has lived through more than her share of hardship and she has found a guy with a big heart and a lot of love to give. She deserves it all and more.

Weddings, however, are for the bride and groom. Mine was for me and Dave, my friends were for them and this one was too from the cake made of doughnuts to the poetic personal vows. The experience for me was somewhat overshadowed by the family dynamics (read between the beauty parlor lines) and the fact that Ellie decided to add to the ceremony by screaming through the entire thing. Dave, not realizing how loud Ellie was and not receiving my telepathic pleas for him to bring her inside, kept walking with her back and forth just behind the group to ensure that her cries would be evenly dispersed amongst the wedding party. Her screams echoed against the amazing mountainous backdrop only to assault my selfconscious ears again and again. Never the less I lived to tell the tale. My sister's wedding really marked a turning point in my psychic liberation from the past. There will always be grief for me that my family is not one of those super close, we see each other for who we truly are families. But at least this time, I was able to see the family dynamics and not be completely consumed by them. In fact, there were a few times when I thought they were kind of funny. The experience of almost losing my daughter, living the last 8 years 3,000 miles away in Los Angeles and gaining a husband who loves me and looks for the best in me instead of the worst created an extra layer of protection, light enough to go unnoticed but strong enough to keep me safe. Ah for Teflon linings.