Lately I have been a bit narcissistic, really. And this post is a symptom of that. My birthday is tomorrow and it’s a big one. It’s not a fun one to be spending on crutches and unable to fly around and make my world as good as I usually do. It’s not a good one to be unable to drive and unable to carry Ellie from here to there and everywhere.
I have always been very connected to my body. I have always been able to make it do what I wanted. For me my legs are my wings. I fly on them. I am superwoman with legs. I can jump tall buildings in a single bound while balancing baby and marriage and work. But now I only have one that is working well and because of that my hands are not free either. I feel hobbled. I am temporarily grounded. It’s been six weeks now – that's a long time.
I feel old.
Sometimes it seems like life is all about suffering broken up now and then by bits of joy solely designed to recharge you for more suffering. I have always been on the joy side looking for silver linings while at times dipping deep into the suffering. Looking for silver linings is a matter of survival like breathing. I learned that skill from an early age. It got me this far. But somehow seems harder to achieve lately. I feel bad about feeling this way. I feel like I am at a point in life where I need to focus only on others. It seems like any time for grief is a waste of spirit. It’s like my life, as I knew it has died. Its time has passed and now my focus is on getting Ellie’s brain healed. A task in the face of which, I am so intensely overwhelmed.
I gave up coffee too, in fact all caffeine in order to ensure maximal healing of my knee. My knee has to heal perfectly. It has to be able to lift the extremely fast growing girl now 30 pounds, someday 40 someday 50 and so on. I have to be strong! But I am no more a coffee achiever. I have to feel my fatigue and deal with it in the moment instead of borrowing energy from those wonderful little beans at the expense of my body. It’s hard living in real time but I am glad I am.
I haven’t felt like posting much for these reasons. I am feeling shallow, hollow, frustrated at my incapacity and infinitely ashamed at being so narcissistic and disconnected from all I hold dear.
I am missing Ellie. Missing being her everything. Missing being able to be alone with her and do our thing. We are lucky to have had nursing help because I can’t pick her up. So when Dave is at work I need help with her. For that I am truly grateful. But I miss her just the same. I miss our life and it’s hard having people in our house all the time even though we are truly blessed to have wonderful nurses to care for Ellie when I am out of commission. But in terms of this chapter in my life, it all feels very feeble.
Tomorrow I turn 40. If you know anything about my birthday superstition you might think I would be seriously worried. The good is that Dave is taking the day off to hang with me. We will also see my doctor and find out if he will let me drive and give me a light at the end of the crutches tunnel. Wish me luck and good thoughts for a better year. Because if you haven't noticed yet, 2007 has pretty much been one big kick in the ass, so far...