Additionally, every little tiny extra thing to do feels colossal. My dissertation journey is in the end game. I just sent off a completed draft of the entire thing - 278 pages to my committee....
I am tired. Dave is sick and tired of me and my dissertation too. And I am sure Ellie is sick of me being away from her having to work on it every day after working at my job. Thank god I have found amazing people to cover her afternoons. But still, this whole thing, going back and fighting to have this dream of getting my degree feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. Maybe I am just tired but it also feels like a bitter pill that I didn't get this 10 years ago. I wish I had the sanity at that point to fight the school for what my committee did back then. But then again, it was all about Ellie for a long, long time which I am sure saved her life and mine too.
It's just a hard night. Instead of celebrating I am worried about my discussion section - the last chapter where you say what it all means and what it was all for. I am looking forward to feedback. And I wonder if Dave will ever forgive me for taking up so much time. We always feel like we have no time and yet we have things we both want to do and accomplish. Right now those things are at odds with each other and that is a hard place to be. I wonder if our life will ever get any easier. If Ellie will ever sleep, if we will ever get the things we need for her like the bloody lift, her new chair because she has out grown hers, etc.
Not happy at the moment. Am wondering what it's all for and what the end game will turn out to be. I am defending it on May 1. Any good luck or mojo or good vibes you can send me on that day will be much appreciated.