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Sunday, April 01, 2012

End Game

It's been a little while since I have been here. This is a quick update. Ellie is not sleeping but growing fast, fast, fast. Her room is built but we are fighting with insurance to get a lift. That part of it all is awful and draining. Ellie says she likes her new room but we have also been struggling with Home Depot get her black out blinds. We ordered them, paid for them, they took three weeks to send the wrong ones that let a ton of light in and then have been not getting back to us for another three weeks. I thought they were supposed to be customer friendly but I seriously wonder if I will ever shop there again. Ellie is not sleeping in her new room though she loves to play in it. However, she is up EVERY night. The room is bright, small but with lots of windows and my Lady Muck is a light sleeper. However, this morning she had breakfast in bed which is a particular thing she likes to do when I am the one getting her up. She is as sweet as ever.

Additionally, every little tiny extra thing to do feels colossal. My dissertation journey is in the end game. I just sent off a completed draft of the entire thing - 278 pages to my committee....
I am tired. Dave is sick and tired of me and my dissertation too. And I am sure Ellie is sick of me being away from her having to work on it every day after working at my job. Thank god I have found amazing people to cover her afternoons. But still, this whole thing, going back and fighting to have this dream of getting my degree feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. Maybe I am just tired but it also feels like a bitter pill that I didn't get this 10 years ago. I wish I had the sanity at that point to fight the school for what my committee did back then. But then again, it was all about Ellie for a long, long time which I am sure saved her life and mine too.

It's just a hard night. Instead of celebrating I am worried about my discussion section - the last chapter where you say what it all means and what it was all for. I am looking forward to feedback. And I wonder if Dave will ever forgive me for taking up so much time. We always feel like we have no time and yet we have things we both want to do and accomplish. Right now those things are at odds with each other and that is a hard place to be. I wonder if our life will ever get any easier. If Ellie will ever sleep, if we will ever get the things we need for her like the bloody lift, her new chair because she has out grown hers, etc.

Not happy at the moment. Am wondering what it's all for and what the end game will turn out to be. I am defending it on May 1. Any good luck or mojo or good vibes you can send me on that day will be much appreciated.


Rick said...

I am sending you good mojo and warm thoughts. I am in the final phases of my thesis which is a microcosm compared to yours, but I feel your pain. Off to the Springtime on Wed. stressed because I should be working on my thesis and know I will get none done for 4 days. Hope Ellie and you will get some much needed rest and sleep.
With Love for all Life,

Anonymous said...

Wishing you the very best of luck. Finishing a dissertation is stressful under the most optimal of circumstances and you are doing it under a cloud of definitely sub-optimal circumstances. You will make it and you will be great!

Lisa Gleeson said...

I just bought a great pair of black out curtains from Amazon. They were make for children and the ones I got were navy blue with silver stars. My daughter says they make his room so dark that if she doesn't pull them back during the day he can't find his toys :)
Maybe you should try there instead. They are washable as well.

Lisa Keller said...

I remember writing my husband would walk into the room, say "uh oh, dissertation face" and turn around. So I feel your pain. And I did pre CP was hard. I can't even fathom it now.

I feel your pain on all of it. I really do. I live it every day. We got our black out shades from pottery barn. They are so dark, I never know it is daytime!

Best of luck on all of it! You can do it, you are a warrior mom!

Anonymous said...

Dear Ryn,
I will definitely be sending you good thoughts on May 1, Day of the Worker, right? I remember reading in a pregnancy book about labor, "just when you feel you can't make it anymore is when the pushing starts and it's almost over." I found it true then and hope it also applies to the birth of your dissertation! Everything will turn out at the end, and if they haven't turned out, it's not quite the end.
But you are so close and no one can take a doctorate away from you! Go Kathryn!

Kathryn said...

Thanks everyone!

Kathryn said...

I love that - anonymous - if things haven't turned out - it's not the end. So right. Thanks for this wisdom - you were right it all turned out ok and now it's on to the next adventure. ;-)